Lightning struck
Life is a chain of actions and reactions.
I can’t help to express myself when I feel so strongly about something.
My friends crescendo and sterling made two posts which resonated with me in a way I feel seen. Like, you know when you are someone who has difficulty to express themselves or even talk about themselves? That’s me.
Not like I don’t have stuffs to say, sometimes I feel like I can’t find the right words to express what I want to express.
Someone who knows me well would say “but Momo, you talk a lot about things that happens to you!” … that’s the thing. Talking about stuffs which happen to me daily (like things at works, or stuffs like that) is .. just the surface. I also yap a lot as a way to counter my being overwhelmed, sometimes.
I am someone who loves being direct, honest and genuine (I hate lying, I am not even good at lying to begin with) but can’t speak about his own deepest feelings. Probably because I had some very ugly experiences with opening those feelings up (I am working on that), or because every time I have to say something I care about from the deep of my heart I feel like I have to over explain myself to send the message across.
Most of the times people don’t take these feelings I express seriously.
It’s funny seeing you mad
Is something I heard a lot. Some people told me probably others don’t take me seriously because “I look small and cute”.
It’s a bit frustrating.
But with art it’s different. My face is not there, but my feelings are. I don’t have to explain anything, I can feel at ease letting other people interpret the thing as they please. I remember I have been very shaken by that small quiz which said “from which feeling you create art” and the result was something like this:
I am someone who is full of love. I want everyone to feel loved. I want to express my love in a way it’s obvious it’s just that. Pure love. Affection. Drawing helps me a lot with that. If sometimes you receive a stupid doodle from me, remember it’s one of my ways of saying I think of you. I want to make you at least a little happy, or give you a smile.
I haven’t been loved much in my life from the ones who were supposed to love and cherish me the most, or when these people loved me, they couldn’t express it in a way I could understand it. Not for my fault, but because these people had their own baggage they didn’t want to address.
But that won’t make me give up my own love. (Before you feel sorry for me, it got better the last couple of years with these people. That’s why I spoke in past tense)
And my art. I have a huge love for the act of drawing and for art in general, and that made me who I am today.
Yesterday I was very frustrated I couldn’t feel happiness from drawing, but today is another day, so who knows.
I will keep trying again and again hoping it goes well.