The courage to remain myself
Doesn’t it feel better to do it with everything you have, succeed with everything you have, and be happy with everything you have? There are times when you fail with everything you have too... But when that happens, you just gotta be sad with everything you have. It’s my one and only life! And aren’t I the only one that can make my own life interesting?
Long time I haven’t written anything here. Writing for so long in a blog post makes me feel vulnerable, and these weeks have been so hard I didn’t feel like making myself even more vulnerable.
It still sucks, actually. Things didn’t get better.
By the way, I wanted to start this post with a quote from Idolish7 I hold myself very dear.
It’s from Mitsuki Izumi, someone who is very solar and who never gives up. The title is also part of one of his quotes I really love.
I still don’t feel like talking in public about the thing which has been feeling me the heaviest lately. But today I felt the need to write a bit to the void to not … “annoy” anyone.
I am very tired of making myself vulnerable to people and receiving spits in the face as a reply.
I asked myself a lot if it’s my own fault for being how I am, but I don’t think I am treating anyone badly. I am always kind and patient to everyone, and this seems like it’s making always surface my issue about not being taken seriously when I am mad or when I am having discomfort.
This thing goes way back to being bullied in middle school and high school for “being funny when mad”.
I think I already mentioned this in an earlier blog post or something.
It’s tiring.
I am not perfect by any means, I absolutely listen if people have issues with anything I ever said. But I feel like the same doesn’t happen toward me. I just get asked to change because “I am too soft”.
Why I am in the end writing a blog post when you can communicate with people you ask, well. I already said it to their face multiple times, and the situation is still the same.
It has been a tough month and I know it’s my chronic depression talking right now, I also know things will get better.
I am just very hurt and tired.